In today’s emerging right-brain economy, the hard skills taught in schools provide only the baseline of what is required in most professions. Professionals who have the edge — those singled out for high-potential programs — are also skilled at forging meaningful relationships.

The adage “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care” has never been more relevant.

While a good education is important, it’s no longer enough. Today’s leaders need to add the development of emotional competencies to their professional learning agenda.

Leadership Skills for the 21st Century

The ability to engage in meaningful dialogue, to interact with other people effectively, and to be emotionally savvy are, in fact, the leadership abilities that will be more and more highly valued in the future.

The good news is that these skills can be developed.

Smart and engaged leaders who pay attention to improving these human connection skills are the candidates most likely to be hired or promoted. Regardless of what sector you work in – for profit, nonprofit, government, or education, the ability to connect and communicate is an important leadership capacity of the future.

Several research studies now bear out the added value of emotional competence:

• In one study, researchers measured whether a master’s degree made a difference in the quality of a teacher’s classroom performance, as measured by children’s achievements. The results: Neither a teaching certificate nor advanced degree separated the best educators from the average teachers.

• In another study, Dr. Wendy Levinson, an international expert in the field of physician-patient relationships, examined why some doctors who made mistakes got sued and others didn’t. She found that patients filed lawsuits against doctors they didn’t like, while well-liked physicians were not sued.
• Numerous studies confirm that physicians who avoid lawsuits take a little more time to talk with their patients — about three minutes more — than physicians who do get sued. Further, the quality of doctor-patient interactions has a tremendous impact on potential litigation.
• When researchers reviewed surgeons’ conversations with patients solely on the basic of tone of voice, the doctors whose voices sounded more concerned and less dominant were less likely to be sued. Conversely, when surgeons’ voices were perceived as dominant, they were more likely to be sued.
• In the end, the outcome seems to depend on respect, which in its simplest form is communicated through tone of voice. And by adding a few minutes of conversation, doctors strengthen the value of their interactions — an outcome that professionals in all industries should strive to achieve.

Training Leaders for Future Complexities

Many professional development programs focus on the individual and self-improvement, or on managing teams and influencing groups of people. Thousands of managers receive training each year, with an emphasis on leading others. When you have these opportunities, make sure that an important component of your study, training, and coaching includes a focus on how to develop interpersonal relationships and dialogue skills.

The best managers in the world are not only experts in systems, processes and technical competencies; they’re also proficient at managing emotions – their own and others’.

“As a leader moves up in an organization, up to 90 percent of their success lies in emotional intelligence,” notes Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence (2006).

In other words, nine out of ten executives who fail lack emotional competencies. A leader’s most valuable currency is relationships, emotional capital and the ability to connect with others.

The Boss Is Last

Sadly, most people’s experience with bosses falls short.

A Princeton University study explored how individuals felt about spending time with associates. Interactions with clients and customers topped the list, followed by interchanges with coworkers. Interactions with the boss came in last — rated, on average, as less enjoyable than cleaning the house.

The Gallup Organization conducted a famous study of workplace attitudes, asking 8 million people to respond to the following statement: “My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.”

The results show that people who agree with this statement:

1. Are more likely to stay with an organization
2. Have more engaged customers
3. Are more productive

Perhaps you’ve had a similar experience. When a boss treats you with respect and cares about your life, you feel more enthusiastic and committed to your work.

We spend 50 percent more time with our customers, coworkers and bosses than we do with our friends, significant others, children and other relatives combined. To be sure, finding a few strong office relationships will help anyone become more engaged and productive.

Combining Smarts with Heart

Human connectivity requires the right combination of IQ (intelligence) and EQ (emotional intelligence). Unless you can connect with colleagues and clients at a deep level, bringing both your professional expertise and emotional commitment to relationships, you will not advance in your career as quickly or as far as you desire.

IQ can help people get hired, but EQ is often referenced when people get promoted. Leaders who are rewarded with promotions demonstrate both smarts and heart.

To improve your leadership potential, start talking. Have meaningful, authentic, and real conversations. Develop your personal relationships with colleagues and customers. Show your expertise, but show you care even more. If necessary, work with a professional coach to develop and improve your conversational and interpersonal skills.

Should you gain diverse experience? Specialize? Go back to school for an advanced degree? Attend workshops? Get a coach? Yes, those can all be good ideas, but through all your skill building and experience gaining, make sure you are also developing those relationship muscles – authentic dialogue and understanding and caring about those around you.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.

]]> http://www.barbarademarest.com/relationshps-are-the-key-to-career-strength/feed/ 0 http://www.barbarademarest.com/listening-the-key-to-reaching-just-about-anyone/ http://www.barbarademarest.com/listening-the-key-to-reaching-just-about-anyone/#comments Sun, 02 May 2010 16:21:36 +0000 Barbara Demarest http://www.barbarademarest.com/?p=587 In my various roles – strategy consultant, executive coach, mother of teen-aged boys, Board volunteer – I’ve run into people I don’t understand and with whom I can’t find common ground.  It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, you’re stumped.  In talking with colleagues about this phenomenon, we could all describe what happens:  there are attempts at persuasion, logic, pleading, and bargaining. And you hope you don’t slide into anger as you begin to speak louder, persuade harder, encourage, cajole, argue and push. The end result is just greater confusion and greater resistance.

In times such as these, it helps to be reminded that active listening – when you mirror and reflect back to people what you hear – offers the best chance of reaching someone.

Mark Goulston’s Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains that persuasion moves through a cycle:

1. From resisting to listening
2. From listening to considering
3. From considering to willing to do
4. From willing to do to doing
5. From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you’re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).  Early in my career, I remember a mentor pointing out to me that there was a certain work situation that consistently sent me back to my reptilian brain.  Wow, that was tough to hear, but I knew exactly what he meant when he said it – stimulus and response and nothing else.
• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the inner drama queen reigns.  This brain can be overwhelming sometimes.  Completely taking over.
• The upper primate/human brain weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the 1995 best seller, Emotional Intelligence, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Goulston suggests that many of us suffer a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

Move from “Uh-oh” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:

1. “Uh-Oh!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m in trouble. It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, No!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially when it comes to the people we deal with regularly. We’ve gotten used to their patterns and their perspectives and we think we already know what they’re going to say.

When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.

We use filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them based on things like: gender, age, ethnicity, education level, accent, appearance, mannerisms, etc.  Really listening means checking those filters to make room for what someone is saying.

Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Here are some suggested phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

“I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling.  I think it’s (fill in an emotion). Is that what you’re feeling?” Listen without judgment or comment.

“What are you feeling?”

“How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.

“And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.

“Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.

“What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

These are just some common ideas about listening.  The point is to use these phrases as a way to practice and as a guide.  To take our listening skills beyond the intuitive takes focus and practice – just like any other skill you want to improve.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.

Because I am one of the 700,000 people signed up with Authentic Happiness, I received their announcement about a new Master program in Positive Psychology (MAPP).  I share the announcement in its entirety below.

For those of you considering school, this may be of interest.  It is an executive education model, so many of the students will also be full-time workers who travel in to Philadelphia for the program.  I think it sounds really fantastic and if someone would give me a scholarship, I’d be all over it!

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Dear Authentic Happiness Member:

We are happy to announce that the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania is now accepting applications for the 2010-2011 academic year.

We are looking for the next class to join the more than 190 students who have enrolled in this extraordinary program in the five years since its inception and who are now applying positive psychology in education, medicine, law, business, psychotherapy, counseling, coaching, consulting, and elsewhere.  Some of our younger students are now enrolled in Ph.D., J.D., or M.D. programs to further their training before engaging in the practice of positive psychology.

Because MAPP is offered on an executive education model, most of our students continue to work full time during the year and commute to Philadelphia – from across the United States and as far away as Mexico, the UK, Sudan, South Korea, Australia and New Zealand! – for the on-site classes.  While many students have already earned other master’s degrees or even Ph.D.’s, only a Bachelor’s degree is required for admission.

If you hold at least a Bachelor’s degree (or will complete one this spring), have an excellent academic record, and are interested in learning about positive psychology and its applications from leading researchers and practitioners in the field, we invite you to find out more about our program.  If you think the program may be a good fit for you, we encourage you to submit an application before the deadline of March 1, 2010.

For more information about our program, please visit our website at
http://www.pennpositivepsych.org

In addition to general program information, the website contains a link to a recorded Virtual Information Session that features input from administrators, professors, and students of the MAPP program.
Please feel free to pass this message along to anyone else you know who might be interested in this program.

Whatever you choose to do in this New Year, we hope it will be one of authentic happiness for you and yours.

Resolve

by Gail Fritz

Resolve.  That was the word I picked for 2009 after my son told me about how his pastor (at Port City Church in Wilmington, NC) encouraged his congregation to choose one word to focus on for the coming year.  In essence, the word becomes a goal or a compressed New Year’s resolution.

Up for the challenge, I started thinking of several different words like peace and perseverance but settled on the word, resolve.  After a long marriage, I had been going through a sad and drawn out separation that frankly, baffled me.  I had allowed myself to stay in a tumultuous state for far longer than most might consider “normal”.  I kept hanging on to my Pollyanna-like optimism or perhaps my self-indulgent stubbornness believing that things would resolve they way I wanted them to.

After two years, at the end of 2008, I lifted my head just enough out of the mire I had been wallowing in to commit to moving on or at least to taking more steps forward than backwards.  For some people stepping into uncharted territory is an adventure, for others it provokes a form of paralysis.  I fall in the latter category.  But, with bootstraps in white-knuckled hand I resolved in 2009 to move ahead.

Dictionary.com has 18 definitions for the word, “resolve”.  Sixteen of the definitions use it as a verb, with or without an object and two as noun.  I think when the word first popped into my head it was in the form of the noun.  Resolve, a firmness of purpose or intent.  But as I was recently reading through the list of definitions and the word origin on the website, I think in hindsight I might have tweaked or expanded on my own definition of my 2009 word of the year.

The word resolve originated from the word resolven, which means to unfasten, loosen, or release.  In looking back over 2009 I was doing just that.  It was about moving forward, redefining who I was or wanted to be, but it was also about loosening, but not necessarily letting go of, the past I so wanted to continue to be my future. I needed to loosen what was binding me from moving forward, literally or figuratively, but letting go or releasing seems, I don’t know, more haphazard, less determined, less resolved.

The other definition that I really liked for the word resolve was used in the form of music.  This definition of the word is “to cause, to progress from dissonance to consonance.”   Even though I am not musically inclined there is something about the cringing image of a nascent middle school band or orchestra finally coming together to achieve a single harmonious note that resonated with what I was trying to accomplish in 2009.  There were so many individual pieces that I exhausted myself trying to sort out and make sense of.  But somehow in 2009, I unconsciously loosened, but admittedly have not totally released, this need to figure everything out.  Focusing, okay ruminating, on each individual issue or conundrum just caused discombobulated noise in my head.  When I was able to pull back a little and take more of an audience’s view of my situation, the discord faded some and I was able to begin to see a more purposeful crescendo to the last couple years of my misery.

To be honest, I didn’t think much about my word after the first week or so of 2009.  It went on the back burner in my mind along with other New Year’s resolutions that were quickly growing cold.  It wasn’t until this December that I really thought about my word.  Amazingly, when I looked back over the year I realized that my personal “resolve” in a number of areas brought about resolution.  Even though as I told my friends, “I never had to work so hard to get a divorce I didn’t want”, I did the painful work that was needed to close that paramount chapter of my life.  I realized with the help of wonderful friends and family that this step helped me to get on the rim of the mud hole I had been wallowing in for years.  I started writing.  I went back to school for the first time in 30 years to begin pursuing a new career.  I started a program to help others deal with grief and divorce.  And most poignantly for me, I started figuring out how I liked my eggs, a metaphor I latched on to from The Runaway Bride movie.

For the past 26 years I defined myself first and foremost as a wife and mother, two roles I dearly cherish and of which I am most proud.  Though I still do not fully understand the why, I do know, because I have prayed it to death, that God is releasing me for some reason.  His own definition of the word, resolve.

With my 2009 word behind me, I spent some time thinking about my word for 2010.  I thought about, “peace”, but through my journey I already experienced a peace I never knew was possible in pain.  I first picked the word, joy.  I have always taken life too seriously, carried burdens that weren’t even mine to own.  I nearly always did the right thing, was loyal, responsible and reliable.  Although I am proud of many of these traits, as they have served others and me well, I was missing the joy component.  I looked at life too much as a chore, something to do but not necessarily something to enjoy while doing.  I regret what I missed and what I cause those closest to me to miss by not relaxing more and embracing a carpe diem attitude. Ah, “embrace”.  I like that word.  There is certainly a joy component to it and a relaxing, peaceful feeling as well.   As I say good-bye to resolve, loosening or unfastening 2009, I look forward to embracing 2010 and all that it has to offer.

As I move forward, I am going to give some unconventional undergirding to my word, embrace, by borrowing a line in the bestseller book, Same Kind of Different as Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore.  Denver who is talking about not needing a calendar or a clock when he was working in the cotton fields says, “ain’t nowhere you got to at ‘cept where you’re at.”  Heeding his words, in 2010 I’m just going to be, be fully present, wherever that may be and whatever I am doing, enjoying and embracing the road ahead.

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Yes! You may use this article by Executive Coach Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a coaching practice to help executives and entrepreneurs position themselves, their products, and their organizations.  You can find Barbara’s profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.