I have a very strange question to ask you. Do you believe in dating someone before you get married? My guess is that you’re rolling your eyes and saying, “Of course, you   should date before you get married! Are you crazy?”

The reason I’m asking this crazy question is because many small business owners expect their prospects to commit to a serious relationship with them before they even know them. Think about it for a minute.

Most small business owners put up their company website and wait for the prospects to start pouring in the door. If prospects land on the website, that same small business owner expects the customer to simply shell over their hard-earned money instantly.

The problem is that it just doesn’t work like that. Customers want to get to know you before they commit. They need to trust you, like you and understand you. It’s really no different than marriage.

Research suggests that customers need to connect with you an average of seven to twelve times before they are ready to take out their wallet and spend money to do business with you. In all reality, your customer is going to do business with you when they are ready to do business with you.

That means that we need strategies to connect with our prospects in a multiple of different ways. We want to be a constant reminder to our customers that when they are ready to buy, we are there to support them. The only way this can be accomplished is by continuing to build a meaningful relationship with our prospects.

The good news is that this doesn’t need to an overwhelmeing task. In fact, much of the connections with your prospects can be accomplished through the power of automation.

Here’s an example of how I “woo” my prospects and develop a serious relationship with them.

First of all, through my various marketing efforts, they arrive at my landing page. My landing page is designed with one purpose in mind. Mainly, I want my prospect to feel safe, secure and begin the process of “getting to know me.” I’m not expecting a sale on the first encounter.

In addition, I offer my prospects free and valuable information that allows them to get to know me. If my prospect feels comfortable with my landing  page, they supply me with their name and email. This is where the relationship begins and the real automation kicks in.

Once I have a prospect’s information, I connect with them in a number of ways:

•    Email autoresponder messages that are sent out automatically;

•    Videos for my prospect to watch;

•    Podcasts and audio reports to listen to;

•    Special reports that I have written that highlight my industry;

•    A chance to subscribe to my blog and learn more about shoestring marketing;

•    Invitations to special webinars or teleseminars that I host.

Naturally, there are dozens of other ways that you can connect with your prospects and begin to build powerful relationships. Let your imagination be your guide.

Most importantly, you must give your prospects many different ways to connect with you and to begin building that incredibly valuable relationship. Because once they feel a strong connection with you, they usually end up making that commitment.

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Jessica Swanson, “The Shoestring Marketer,” has helped entrepreneurs, all over the world, explode their businesses using cutting-edge, proven and completely free marketing strategies. To receive your FREE Shoestring Marketing Kit, which has helped thousands of entrepreneurs, just like you, learn the exact techniques for marketing their businesses for no-cost, visit: www.ShoestringMarketingKit.com

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From Pew Research Center – Feb. 9, 2012

A plurality of the American public believes that young adults are having the toughest time of any age group in today’s economy — and a lopsided majority says it’s more difficult for today’s young adults than it was for their parents’ generation to pay for college, find a job, buy a home or save for the future, according to a new Pew Research Center survey.  Also, just two-thirds of parents now say they think children should be financially independent by age 22, down from the eight-in-ten share who said the same two decades ago.

Young adults (ages 18 to 34) say that the sluggish economy has had an impact on a wide array of coming-of-age decisions about career, marriage, parenthood and schooling. For example, nearly half say that in the past few years they have taken a job they didn’t really want just to pay the bills. Smaller but still sizable shares say that because of the tough economy they have gone back to school (35%), moved back in with their parents after living on their own (24%), postponed having children (22%) or postponed getting married (20%).

The new report also examines young adults in the U.S. labor market, their optimism in the face of tough times, their job satisfaction and their prospects for the future. It is based on findings from a Pew Research Center survey conducted Dec. 6-19, 2011, among 2,048 adults nationwide, including 808 young adults (ages 18-34), as well as an analysis of data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.

Read the full report at pewsocialtrends.org

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To purchase my book, co-written with Joyce Richman click here: Getting Your Kid Out of the House and Into a Job

Essentially, I outlined why I think it is important to start with who you serve. So many times, we get caught up in very generic expectations of what we should be doing to market ourselves thinking that we have to conquer the entire world. In reality, most of us need to reach a steady, committed set of clients with whom we can be connected over time. Mass marketing can be very effective, but it is also very expensive. And even when you are engaged in mass marketing, you are really carefully targeting your audience.

So when in doubt, start with thinking about your ideal client. Focus on who is a good client or customer for you and you may find that you can be much more efficient with your time and talents.

Positioning Presentation 7Nov11

Here are twelve simple tips to help get your social media marketing in top form.

1. It’s not too late. Many small business owners think they’ve missed the boat when it comes to jumping on the social media bandwagon. But, nothing could be further from the truth. Social media is in its infancy and still considered a newborn in the marketing world.

2. Have a plan. You certainly wouldn’t jump into a new business without a plan of action. The same is true for social media marketing.  You should know exactly what you are trying to accomplish before you get involved.

3. Start slow. There are hundreds of social media platforms out there. But, limit your involvement to Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter. Once you’ve mastered these three, then you can broaden your horizons.

4. Be realistic with the time-commitment. If you’re going to fully succeed through social media marketing, then you’re going to have to commit some time and energy to making it work. As with all new marketing adventures, it always takes longer in the beginning.

5. Use automation. There are dozens of automation tools to help you manage your time on social media. Use them wisely and in moderation.

6. Get personal. Don’t rely entirely on automated tools. You need to interact with your friends, followers and connections.  Social media doesn’t work if you aren’t interested in forming real relationships.

7. Don’t outsource from the start. Although eventually you can outsource some of the tedious social media tasks, it’s in your best interest to be personally involved in every aspect of social media so that you can understand exactly how it works. Then, once you have wrapped your brain around it, you can outsource.

8. Don’t expect a miracle. Social media is a tool. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s never going to fix a broken business.

9. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes. There’s not a “rule book” for social media success. Go ahead and get started, if you make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world.

10. Don’t overcomplicate. Social media is mostly a mixture of common sense, interaction and dedication. Don’t make it more complicated than it is.

11. Have fun. At the end of the day, social media is, well, social. So, wipe that frown off your face and have a little fun Tweeting, updating and posting.

12. Just do it. The most important tip of all is to just get started. You’re never going to learn to swim if you don’t jump in the pool.

There’s still plenty of time to get involved in social media marketing for your small business. Once you get started and find success, you’ll never look back.

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Jessica Swanson, “The Shoestring Marketer,” has helped entrepreneurs, all over the world, explode their businesses using cutting-edge, proven and completely free marketing strategies. To receive your FREE Shoestring Marketing Kit, which has helped thousands of entrepreneurs, just like you, learn the exact techniques for marketing their businesses for no-cost, visit: www.ShoestringMarketingKit.com

Unfortunately, many small business owners believe in the motto, “it takes money to make money” in the world of small business. The good news is that nothing could be further from the truth.

Here are twenty-one shoestring marketing secrets that will provide you with the right frame of mind so that you can begin the process of building a thriving small business without spending a dime on marketing.

What every small business needs to know is that Shoestring Marketing is:

1. Low-cost. In today’s internet and social media age, there are now more low-cost marketing options than ever before. Not only is it possible, but absolutely doable to substantially grow your small business on a shoestring budget.

2. Commitment. If your marketing is going to eventually take hold, then you need to make a strong commitment to see it through until it sticks. Don’t give up in the early stages.

3. Patience. The fruits of your marketing labors don’t happen overnight. You need to plant your marketing seeds and tend to them regularly before your marketing garden blooms.

4. Branding. Your clients and customers need to have a clear picture in their minds as to who you are and how your product or service can solve their most pressing problems.

5. Consistency. Marketing is much like breathing. It’s the life of your small business and should be a regular part of your daily business activities.

6. Domination. If you want to explode your small business profits, then you must dominate a small part of your market. You need to become the “go-to” person in your particular niche.

7. Customer-focused. Your primary job is to clearly identify the problems that your prospects face and offer them the obvious solutions.

8. Identify your target market. It’s crucial that you know exactly who needs your product or service. Mass marketing doesn’t work in today’s business environment. Not only does it force you to water down your marketing message to please the masses, but it’s much too expensive for the shoestring marketer.

9. Elicits confidence and trust. Create experiences and situations that boost the level of confidence from your prospects. At the end of the day, people buy from those whom they like and trust.

10. Massive visibility. Since your prospects are exposed to over 4,000 ads every single day, you need to ensure that your small business is utilizing as many marketing platforms as possible. Your prospects should come across you in as many places as possible.

11. Repetition. Research suggests that prospects need to encounter your small business between seven and twelve times before they are ready to purchase. So, put yourself in front of your target market over and over again.

12. Ease of use. If your sales process, marketing materials or any other part of your business is too complicated, your customers will become confused.  Confused customers simply don’t buy.

13. The WOW Factor. What are you doing to get noticed? How are you different than your competition? The fastest way to small business failure is to blend in with the crowd.

14. Quality. If your product and/or services aren’t top quality, then you won’t get repeat business. Your long-term success depends on satisfied customers who spread the word about your business and purchase from you repeatedly.

15. Education. Position yourself as an expert and educate your prospects as to why your small business can offer them the remedy to their most pressing pain points.

16. Relationships. Create real relationships with your prospects and customers. Answer their questions, solve their problems and help them if they’re stuck.  Your prospects want to know that there’s a real person in front of your small business.

17. Increasing the lifetime value of customers. Over 20% of your existing customers will purchase from you again (since they already know and trust you), so create additional ways for them to make purchases.

18. Automation. We’re living in a fast-tracked society that doesn’t work using old-fashioned marketing methods. So, embrace automation tools such as landing pages, email autoresponders, shopping carts, customer management software, etc.

19. Tracking your results. It’s essential to your overall survival that you have a clear understanding what works and what doesn’t work when it comes to your marketing. Use link tracking software to track your ROI (even if your only investment is your time).

20. Flexibility. Things change quickly and you must be willing to adapt. When the next “great” marketing platform emerges, be willing to jump on board and embrace it with excitement. If you are a flexible marketer, you’re always miles ahead of your competition.

21. Everything that you do. Marketing isn’t just about your advertising campaigns. Every single interaction that you have with your prospects promotes your small business. So, be careful how you answer the phone, respond to your emails and treat your customers because all of it makes an instant and lasting impression on them.

So, there you have it, twenty-one Shoestring Marketing strategies that will literally transform your small business from “just getting by” to “flourishing.”  And, the best part of all is that you can do it all on a shoestring marketing budget.

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Jessica Swanson, “The Shoestring Marketer,” has helped entrepreneurs, all over the world, explode their businesses using cutting-edge, proven and completely free marketing strategies. To receive your FREE Shoestring Marketing Kit, which has helped thousands of entrepreneurs, just like you, learn the exact techniques for marketing their businesses for no-cost, visit: www.ShoestringMarketingKit.com

Rational versus Emotional?

Psychologist and political scientist Herbert Simon in 1957 laid the groundwork on the limits of rationality when he attacked classical economics and game theory. Simon’s work made it clear that we must take the real world’s messiness and irrationality into account when making decisions.

“Research indicates that people are myopic in their decisions, may lack skill in predicting their future tastes, and can be led to erroneous choices by fallible memory and incorrect evaluations of past experiences,” wrote psychologist and Nobel Prize laureate Daniel Kahneman.

Neuroscientific research also proves that the brain is influenced by subconscious emotional reactions from its more primitive centers. We’re not in control of our reasoning capabilities as much as we’d like to think.

Scientists have identified several hidden currents and forces that affect our judgment.  They include:

Loss aversion – our tendency to go to great lengths to avoid possible losses

Commitment – our tendency to stick with the status quo

Value attribution - our inclination to imbue a person or thing with certain qualities based on initial perceived value

Diagnosis bias – our blindness to all evidence that contradicts our initial assessment of a person or situation

Certainty bias – where overconfidence leads us to discount inconvenient facts

Each of us is susceptible to irrational behavior’s irresistible pull. Only when we gain insight into our irrationality can we see the extent to which it affects our work and personal lives. Fascinating patterns emerge, and we can master our behaviors and decisions when we connect the dots.

Loss Aversion:  The pain associated with loss is stronger than the joy of a gain.

For example, if egg prices go down, sales go up. But if egg prices rise proportionately, sales dip by 250 percent. This response contradicts economic theory, which dictates that consumers should react to price fluctuations with equal intensity, regardless of whether price rises or falls. In reality, we illogically overreact to perceived losses.

This also explains why people are much more likely to buy meat when it’s labeled 85 percent lean instead of 15 percent fat. Similarly, twice as many patients opt for surgery when told there’s an 80 percent chance of survival, as opposed to a 20 percent chance of dying.

Commitment:  Wanting to stick with the status quo.

When we’ve invested our time and money in a project, it’s difficult to let go–even when things clearly aren’t working.

History shows us how hard it was for Lyndon B. Johnson and George W. Bush to find solutions to the wars in Vietnam and Iraq, respectively. They were strongly influenced by the forces of commitment and aversion to loss.

When CEOs and boards of directors are charged with making critical strategy decisions, determining the best outcomes often proves challenging when strong egos and competitive personalities are added to the mix.

Value Attribution: The brain looks for shortcuts.

It takes enormous energy to consciously work through all possibilities and risks when weighing important decisions, so the brain looks for shortcuts. But these shortcuts also present traps because they largely occur without our awareness.

Value attribution serves as a quick mental shortcut to determine what’s worthy of our attention. When we encounter new objects, people or situations, the value we assign to them shapes our future perceptions of them.

For example, when Joshua Bell, one of today’s finest violinists, participated in a field study for the Washington Post, people assumed he was an average street performer.  While Bell, dressed in jeans and a baseball cap, played a $3.5 million Stradivarius, subway travelers rushed by without paying attention. Bell certainly sounded far from mediocre, but commuters attributed a value of lesser performance quality based on his appearance and that he was playing in a subway station.

The Bell experiment illustrates why we may turn down a pitch or idea based on appearances, rumors or any other peripheral value. It also explains why we may blindly follow the advice of someone who has been highly recommended.

Becoming aware of our brain’s tendency to make assumptions can help us prevent disastrous mistakes and missed opportunities.

Diagnosis Bias:  The misguided first impression.

When we encounter new people at a party, we quickly diagnose them by placing tags on them, such as “approachable” or “standoffish.” This helps us quickly decide if we want to engage them in conversation.

By employing this mental shortcut, we can fail to see a person’s good qualities. Nowhere is this clearer than in job interviews.

Managers value their intuition and think they have a refined ability to truly see and understand an applicant. They overestimate their ability to form objective opinions and underestimate their subconscious biases.

The Certainty Bias:  Overconfidence and certainty can create blinders.

After gathering as much information as possible and weighing all of the arguments, leaders must make decisions and embrace an attitude of certainty and confidence. Persuading others to execute the plans is the next step.

Certainty, however, can lead to other errors, such as failure to adjust plans, when required, and shutting out conflicting information. The only way to counteract the certainty bias is to encourage dissonance.

Perhaps Alfred P. Sloan, president of General Motors in its prime, said it best. After adjourning a meeting shortly after it began, he announced:

“Gentlemen, I take it we are all in complete agreement on the decision here… Then I propose we postpone further discussion of this matter until our next meeting to give ourselves time to develop disagreement and perhaps gain some understanding of what the decision is all about.”

Making More Effective Decisions

A recent Harvard Business Review article recommends a decision audit to identify key organizational needs, using the following short survey:¹

How do your organization’s decision abilities stack up against the competition?

Quality: When looking back on critical decisions, how often have you chosen the right course of action?

Speed: How do you rate the speed of your critical decisions in comparison to your competitors’?

Yield: How often do you execute critical decisions as intended?

Effort: How much effort does your company put into making and executing critical decisions?

Reference

Blenko, M., Mankins, M., Rogers, P., “The Decision-Driven Organization,” Harvard Business Review, June, 2010.

In today’s emerging right-brain economy, the hard skills taught in schools provide only the baseline of what is required in most professions. Professionals who have the edge — those singled out for high-potential programs — are also skilled at forging meaningful relationships.

The adage “No one cares how much you know until they know how much you care” has never been more relevant.

While a good education is important, it’s no longer enough. Today’s leaders need to add the development of emotional competencies to their professional learning agenda.

Leadership Skills for the 21st Century

The ability to engage in meaningful dialogue, to interact with other people effectively, and to be emotionally savvy are, in fact, the leadership abilities that will be more and more highly valued in the future.

The good news is that these skills can be developed.

Smart and engaged leaders who pay attention to improving these human connection skills are the candidates most likely to be hired or promoted. Regardless of what sector you work in – for profit, nonprofit, government, or education, the ability to connect and communicate is an important leadership capacity of the future.

Several research studies now bear out the added value of emotional competence:

• In one study, researchers measured whether a master’s degree made a difference in the quality of a teacher’s classroom performance, as measured by children’s achievements. The results: Neither a teaching certificate nor advanced degree separated the best educators from the average teachers.

• In another study, Dr. Wendy Levinson, an international expert in the field of physician-patient relationships, examined why some doctors who made mistakes got sued and others didn’t. She found that patients filed lawsuits against doctors they didn’t like, while well-liked physicians were not sued.
• Numerous studies confirm that physicians who avoid lawsuits take a little more time to talk with their patients — about three minutes more — than physicians who do get sued. Further, the quality of doctor-patient interactions has a tremendous impact on potential litigation.
• When researchers reviewed surgeons’ conversations with patients solely on the basic of tone of voice, the doctors whose voices sounded more concerned and less dominant were less likely to be sued. Conversely, when surgeons’ voices were perceived as dominant, they were more likely to be sued.
• In the end, the outcome seems to depend on respect, which in its simplest form is communicated through tone of voice. And by adding a few minutes of conversation, doctors strengthen the value of their interactions — an outcome that professionals in all industries should strive to achieve.

Training Leaders for Future Complexities

Many professional development programs focus on the individual and self-improvement, or on managing teams and influencing groups of people. Thousands of managers receive training each year, with an emphasis on leading others. When you have these opportunities, make sure that an important component of your study, training, and coaching includes a focus on how to develop interpersonal relationships and dialogue skills.

The best managers in the world are not only experts in systems, processes and technical competencies; they’re also proficient at managing emotions – their own and others’.

“As a leader moves up in an organization, up to 90 percent of their success lies in emotional intelligence,” notes Daniel Goleman, author of Social Intelligence (2006).

In other words, nine out of ten executives who fail lack emotional competencies. A leader’s most valuable currency is relationships, emotional capital and the ability to connect with others.

The Boss Is Last

Sadly, most people’s experience with bosses falls short.

A Princeton University study explored how individuals felt about spending time with associates. Interactions with clients and customers topped the list, followed by interchanges with coworkers. Interactions with the boss came in last — rated, on average, as less enjoyable than cleaning the house.

The Gallup Organization conducted a famous study of workplace attitudes, asking 8 million people to respond to the following statement: “My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.”

The results show that people who agree with this statement:

1. Are more likely to stay with an organization
2. Have more engaged customers
3. Are more productive

Perhaps you’ve had a similar experience. When a boss treats you with respect and cares about your life, you feel more enthusiastic and committed to your work.

We spend 50 percent more time with our customers, coworkers and bosses than we do with our friends, significant others, children and other relatives combined. To be sure, finding a few strong office relationships will help anyone become more engaged and productive.

Combining Smarts with Heart

Human connectivity requires the right combination of IQ (intelligence) and EQ (emotional intelligence). Unless you can connect with colleagues and clients at a deep level, bringing both your professional expertise and emotional commitment to relationships, you will not advance in your career as quickly or as far as you desire.

IQ can help people get hired, but EQ is often referenced when people get promoted. Leaders who are rewarded with promotions demonstrate both smarts and heart.

To improve your leadership potential, start talking. Have meaningful, authentic, and real conversations. Develop your personal relationships with colleagues and customers. Show your expertise, but show you care even more. If necessary, work with a professional coach to develop and improve your conversational and interpersonal skills.

Should you gain diverse experience? Specialize? Go back to school for an advanced degree? Attend workshops? Get a coach? Yes, those can all be good ideas, but through all your skill building and experience gaining, make sure you are also developing those relationship muscles – authentic dialogue and understanding and caring about those around you.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.

]]> http://www.barbarademarest.com/relationshps-are-the-key-to-career-strength/feed/ 0 http://www.barbarademarest.com/always-be-networking-passport2success/ http://www.barbarademarest.com/always-be-networking-passport2success/#comments Thu, 06 May 2010 02:48:11 +0000 Barbara Demarest http://www.barbarademarest.com/?p=599 Another run of the speed consulting program for job seekers was sponsored and coordinated by WFMY-TV on May 5, 2010.  Many career coaches in the Piedmont Triad area of North Carolina volunteered their time.  Here’s a little snippet of video that I contributed between one on one sessions with people looking for advice on their career transitions.

In times such as these, it helps to be reminded that active listening – when you mirror and reflect back to people what you hear – offers the best chance of reaching someone.

Mark Goulston’s Persuasion Cycle

In Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone, psychiatrist Mark Goulston explains that persuasion moves through a cycle:

1. From resisting to listening
2. From listening to considering
3. From considering to willing to do
4. From willing to do to doing
5. From doing to glad they did and continuing to do

Buy-in begins when people move from resisting to listening to considering what you’re saying. How do you get a person to go from the critical stage of resisting to listening? First, you listen to them.

The Three-Part Brain

Our brains evolved from lower animals:

• Our primitive reptilian brain remains responsible for split-second survival reactions (i.e., the “freeze, fight or flight” response).  Early in my career, I remember a mentor pointing out to me that there was a certain work situation that consistently sent me back to my reptilian brain.  Wow, that was tough to hear, but I knew exactly what he meant when he said it – stimulus and response and nothing else.
• The middle mammalian brain is the seat of emotions, where the inner drama queen reigns.  This brain can be overwhelming sometimes.  Completely taking over.
• The upper primate/human brain weighs a situation logically and generates a conscious plan of action. It collects data from the reptile and mammal brains, analyzes it, and makes practical, ethical decisions.

To a small extent, these three brains work together, but they also function independently, especially under stress. This is what happens when people shift, becoming difficult and hard to reach.

The Amygdala Hijack

The amygdala is a part of the brain that processes memory and emotional reactions (especially fear and anger).

When it takes over, the primitive reptile brain runs the show, and surges of adrenaline keep us from thinking clearly over the next few minutes — an effect that may take hours to fade.

The term “amygdala hijack,” first coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, author of the 1995 best seller, Emotional Intelligence, refers to what happens under acute stress.

When you try to reason with someone in a full amygdala hijack, you’re wasting your time. You must speak to him before the hijack occurs — or talk him down from it using empathy.

Mirror Neurons

Years ago, when scientists were studying Macaque monkeys’ brains, they found that specific nerve cells fired when the monkeys threw a ball or ate a banana. To their surprise, these same cells fired when one monkey watched another perform these acts.

When the brain’s “mirror neurons” fire, we have the ability to feel what the other person is experiencing. These cells are nature’s way of teaching us to care about other people.

Goulston suggests that many of us suffer a “mirror neuron receptor deficit.” CEOs and managers feel they give their best, only to be met day after day with apathy, hostility, or worse, no response at all. Their brains don’t get enough mirror neuron receptor activity. In other words, there’s not enough empathy going around the office.

Move from “Uh-oh” to “OK”

In a stressful encounter, you may have less than two minutes to gain control and salvage the situation.

Goulston recommends a five-step mental process, whether you’re dealing with a fender-bender, enraged teenager or work situation:

1. “Uh-Oh!” (Reaction Phase): “This is a disaster. I’m in trouble. It’s all over.”
2. “Oh, No!” (Release Phase): “This is a huge mess. I’m stuck with it. Why me?”
3. “Oh, Jeez!” (Re-Center Phase): “I can fix this, but it’s not going to be fun.”
4. “Oh, Well…” (Refocus Stage): “I’m not going to let this ruin my career/day/relationship. Here’s what I need to do right now to make it better.”
5. “OK.” (Reengage Phase): “OK, I’m ready to fix this. Let’s go.”

Rewire Yourself to Listen

Many of us don’t listen well, especially when it comes to the people we deal with regularly. We’ve gotten used to their patterns and their perspectives and we think we already know what they’re going to say.

When we size people up instantly, we form some pretty good first impressions. The problem is, these impressions last forever, and many are a jumbled mix of fact, fiction, prejudice and unconscious intuitions.

We use filters to put people in mental boxes before we really know them based on things like: gender, age, ethnicity, education level, accent, appearance, mannerisms, etc.  Really listening means checking those filters to make room for what someone is saying.

Make the Other Person Feel “Felt”

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes so you can change the dynamics of a relationship. In that instant, you “get” each other, and this breakthrough leads to cooperation, collaboration and effective communication.

When you mirror what another person feels, she’s hardwired to mirror you in return. When you say, “I understand what you’re feeling” — and you mean it — she will feel grateful and, in return, express her appreciation with a desire to understand you. It’s an irresistible biological urge that pulls another person toward you.

Phrases for Difficult Conversations

Here are some suggested phrases to help someone feel “felt”:

“I’m trying to get a sense of what you’re feeling.  I think it’s (fill in an emotion). Is that what you’re feeling?” Listen without judgment or comment.

“What are you feeling?”

“How frustrated (angry, upset, etc.) are you?” Allow the person to vent.

“And the reason you’re so frustrated (angry, upset) is because (repeat back to them what they’ve told you).” Again, let the person vent.

“Tell me, what needs to happen for that feeling to be better?” Listen without judgment or argument.

“What part can I play in making this happen? What part are you willing to play?”

These are just some common ideas about listening.  The point is to use these phrases as a way to practice and as a guide.  To take our listening skills beyond the intuitive takes focus and practice – just like any other skill you want to improve.

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Yes! You may use this article by TheCoachingAssociation.com Executive Director Barbara Demarest in your company newsletter, blog or website as long as you add the following bio box:

Barbara Demarest (www.barbarademarest.com) received her MBA from the Babcock School of Management at Wake Forest University and her BA from Duke University. After 20 years at the Center for Creative Leadership, Barbara launched a strategy consulting practice focusing on people leading change in associations, foundations, universities, nonprofits and knowledge businesses.  You can find Barbara’s executive coaching profile on www.thecoachingassociation.com.